Driving Grandmamma Xavier
by Commander Salamander
Summary: Getting together with family is something that is usually done only during holidays and special occasions. But when relatives turn up uninvited, especially grandmas hilarity usually ensues!
1. A Phone Call

Driving Grandmamma Xavier  
  
Disclaimer: When I saw you in Verona, You sat down I moved over, Pretty people but all I saw was you. And yes it's you I'm rating, Forget that boy you're dating, In my opinion he isn't right for you. And if everything goes as planned, I'll be proud to be your man. I promise to treat you well; Head over heels in love I fell. She likes listening to punk rock!  
  
We all know the story, don't own x-men or the lyrics to the lovely song above. No ELEMENO P came up with that little beaut. But Grandmamma Xavier is mine.  
  
Chapter 1: A Phone Call  
  
The star spun through space, dancing an ancient dance about the galaxy that had not been disturbed for eons. About this glowing orb of light pirouetted its children all playing out their own merry dancing and at one time their own songs too.  
  
The reality was that the star named Sol or more crassly the Sun and the planets that orbited it didn't really do any of these things. No, they were the a by-product of the solar system's worst feature and one of it's redeeming qualities. It was of course life. Or most importantly a form of life, a special sort called Homo sapiens sapiens. So special they were that they lived only on one planet, Earth to be precise and much to the others relief.  
  
Sol spun and the planets pirouetted. The right angles formed between Earth and the Sun and the Sun rose.   
  
It rose upon a gracefully sprawling mansion and more specifically upon one of the sleeping Homo sapiens sapiens inside.  
  
And so Charles Xavier awoke, stretched, scratched and contemplated the very things above.  
  
As he lay there, lazy thoughts swam and twisted in his head. The gentle sounds of morning wafted around him. The quiet birdsong, the far away lowing of cows in the fields nearby and the sounds of Logan's grunts as he brushed his teeth and gargled.   
  
Yes there was peace, but Charles had a nagging thought. It sat back in the shadows of his mind and leered at him.   
  
Go on. Guess what I am. Think about me and remember. I'm some thing you don't want to think about at all. Heh heh heh. But you need to remember, I'm very important.  
  
Charles frowned. It was right, he was sure he didn't want to know, but it was important. It was bad. Wrong. Insidious even. But what the hell was it.  
  
A strange feeling welled up inside of him. It looked at the shadowed thought and trembled. You have to turn on Defcon 4. Please turn on Defcon 4. Oh Lord! Don't just lie there TURN ON DEFCON 4! It broke down into sobs.  
  
Charles rubbed his chin. The night before was coming back to him slowly. He knew that there had been something, something that had shaken him to the core. But what had it been? Then the pressing feeling that wanted him to turn on Defcon 4, something that was only to be used in the direst of circumstances. But what?   
  
His musings were interrupted by the phone by his bed. The light for line one was blinking. Nobody except his closest and most trusted friends had that phone number. He lifted the receiver cautiously.   
  
"Yes?" he said.  
  
"CHARLES! Is That You!" said the Voice.  
  
Charles nearly dropped the phone. Oh no! He thought desperately. Please NO! The bad thought leapt out into the light of his consciousness.   
  
HA HA! It roared. It then did a lewd dance.   
  
"yes." Charles replied with a squeak.  
  
"Well! Are You Not Going To Say Hello?!" commanded the Voice.  
  
"umm…I thought I did…"  
  
"No You Didn't! When Somebody Calls You On The Telephone You Have To Give An Appropriate Greeting! 'Yes' Is Not What One Says When One Answers The Telephone!"  
  
"ok, well I…"  
  
"I Do Not Want One Of Your Excuses Charles! I Want A Proper Response!"  
  
"yes…"  
  
"Not 'Yes' Charles!"  
  
"ahh, hello this is…"  
  
"What Are You Doing?!"  
  
"I'm sorry?"  
  
"Well Boy! Tell Me! You're Not In Bed Still Are You?!'  
  
"…no."  
  
"Oh Yes You Are!" Cried the Voice with glee.  
  
"no I am most certainly not." Replied Charles, pulling the covers up close to his chin.  
  
"Yes You Are! I Can Hear The Covers Rustling! You Know What I Say Charles! Early To Bed And Early To Rise Makes A Man Healthy And Wise!"  
  
"yes gra…"  
  
The Voice interrupted him. "You Weren't Up Late Last Night Were You?!"  
  
"no gra…"  
  
"You Had Better Hope Not!"  
  
Xavier rubbed the back of his head.   
  
"no gra…"  
  
"How Is Your Brother!" said the Voice.  
  
"he is good, gra…"  
  
"Are You Sure! I Want To See Him When I Come! It Has Been Far Too Long! You Boys Never Write To Me! You Don't Even Phone! How Hard Is It To Pick Up The Phone And Call A Lonely Old Lady I Ask You?!" The Voice had an almost plaintive note. Almost.   
  
"well…"  
  
"No! Do Not Even Try To Defend Yourself You Know You Are Wrong! You Should Be Ashamed By Your Behavior! I Hope You Are Not Going To Try And Back Out Of My Visit Either! You Remind Me Of Your Father! That No Account Wastrel!"  
  
The Voice continued on that comment, obviously enjoying every second of the rather one-sided conversation.   
  
Finally it had to pause for a breath.  
  
"I Heard You Are Running An Institution For Youths!" said the Voice.  
  
"yes gra…"  
  
"What Kind Of Institution Is It?! Its Not A Corrective Institution Is It?! Or Is It For The Criminally Mentally Handicapped?!"  
  
Charles was beginning to feel mentally handicapped himself. He always felt like that when she visited. And it was worse when she hadn't come to stay for some time. The next week was not going to be fun. His mind raced, what would she think of all these young mutants running about the place. He put a hand up to his mouth in horror. What would she think of Logan!  
  
"Well What Is It! Those Little Hoodlums Had Better Be Under Control! I Do Not Want My Visit Ruined By Being Murdered In My Bed!"  
  
That was a thought. Decided Xavier. Some of them might just want to do that before the end of the week. Logan would most likely be considered the prime suspect.  
  
Charles muttered a reply.  
  
"Charles For God's Sake Stop Muttering! You Know I Don't Think That You Are In Full Control Of Those Hooligans After All! I Believe You Might Just Well Need Somebody To Come And Help You Put The Fear Of God Into Them As They Say!"  
  
Oh please don't. Charles cringed.  
  
"In Fact I May Just Well Stay Longer If You Have Some Really Tough Ones There!"  
  
"I can reassure you that the students here are not…"  
  
"Is That Another Excuse I Hear?! Charles I Have Read About Your Institute In The Newspapers, And Have Even Seen It On The Television! They All Sound Like Real Little Criminals! They Are Not Using DRUGS Are They!"  
  
"no gra…"  
  
"Are You Really Sure?! You Do Realize That They Are Probably Experts At Lying! Now Enough Chit-Chat I Will Be Arriving In Tomorrow Afternoon And I Expect To Find Everything To My Taste When I Get There!"  
  
"yes gra…"  
  
"Oh And Charles Before I Go I Want My Dear Little Cain To Be There! I Haven't Seen Him For What Seems Like An Age! And When You Answer Me I Expect To Hear You Say 'Grandmamma'! What Ever Did I Do To Deserve A Grandson Like You! Why Can't You Be A Bit More Like Cain I Ask You?! Good Day Charles And Don't Forget What I Told You!"  
  
"yes grandmamma." Said Charles flatly.  
  
The phone went dead.   
  
Charles hung it up. Grandmamma Xavier always seemed to find a way of contacting him. Even unlisted numbers that even operators didn't know about.   
  
He looked about listlessly. And did only what is entirely appropriate when Family Visits from Hell are inevitable.  
  
He fell back onto his bed and screamed.  
  
A high-pitched animal scream of terror and fear.  
  
The planets shook and the Sun wobbled for a moment as the scream travelled out into space.   
  
On a lighter note, an alien army about to invade our humble solar system picked up this scream, turned tail and fled.  
  
Peace descended.  
  
A knock came at Charles' door.  
  
"Come in." rasped Charles weakly.  
  
A dishevelled Logan put a head around the doorway.  
  
"Do ya mind?" he asked.   
  
His face was lathered and he held a razor in one hand. A long clean-cut streak of skin ran up his throat, over his chin and then above his ear.   
  
A bleary eyed Scott pushed the door open. He gave Logan's sideburns a close examination.  
  
"Not a word Shades. Ah still have a razor in my hand." Logan growled.   
  
Scott made a point of not saying anything. He turned to the Professor.   
  
"What was that about?" he asked with a raised eyebrow.  
  
Charles sighed deeply.  
  
"Grandmamma Xavier is coming to visit!" He chocked.  
  
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Don't you just hate it when that happens! Well I have a lot of crazy ideas for this one, but wouldn't mind a few more to add to the sub-plots so feel free to give suggestions when you review. By the way please do review! 


	2. Token Negotiations

Disclaimer: We all know the story. And Grandmamma Xavier is mine.  
  
Chapter 2: Token Negotiations  
  
"Yer grandma? Is that all?" Growled Logan.  
  
"Not just my grandma, my Grandmamma!"  
  
"I can't see the difference Professor." Said Scott in confusion  
  
"Well there is a big difference. Grandmamma has rather er… fixed ideas."  
  
The other two stood by and watched Xavier get out of bed and into his wheelchair.   
  
"So doesn't she like mutants or anything?" asked Scott after a while.  
  
"No not really… she is not particularly fond of being murdered in her bed though."  
  
"Who doesn't like to be murdered in their bed?" Asked a very curious Hank.   
  
He had wondered what the screaming was all about and wanted to join in. There was nothing like a good scream in the morning to get the blood flowing.  
  
Charles gave him a worried look.   
  
"My Grandmamma." He said quietly.  
  
The hair on Hank' back rose and he clapped his hands over his mouth to prevent a squeal from getting out.  
  
He slowly pulled his hands away from his mouth. "…no…" he whispered hoarsely.  
  
Logan looked at his two angst-ridden colleges.   
  
"What yer know about this ol' bat?" He asked of Hank.  
  
Hank gave Logan a startled look as vicious memories from the past assailed him and then fell against Logan's chest, sobbing.  
  
"Please what ever you do, do not say something like that even if you're in the next room. She'll tear you apart!" Hank warned emotionally.  
  
Charles patted the almost hysterical mutant on the back.  
  
"He had a lot of emotional stress last time she visited. I believe he did just what he told you not to do."  
  
Hank tried to pull himself together.  
  
"When is the dear old thing coming?" he asked shakily.  
  
"Tomorrow."  
  
"Oh stars…!" he moaned hoarsely.  
  
"It gets worse." Said Charles gravely.  
  
"How?" Said Hank disbelievingly.  
  
"She wants Cain to be here too."  
  
Hank stared blankly ahead. The other two were almost bowled over by this news.  
  
"But he'd kill you." He gurgled.  
  
Charles looked at his friend and swallowed.  
  
"Not if I kill myself first."  
  
"Come on Professor there must be a mistake or something? Maybe if you told her about Juggernaut or something she'd…" Asked Scott completely misunderstanding the situation.  
  
"No. I don't believe that is possible. Firstly she wouldn't believe that Cain would kill me and secondly she would tell me to grow a backbone and accuse me of making excuses. Because I am an unnatural child and exactly like my useless father. Who is like me, also bald."   
  
"…Wow…" Said Scott.  
  
"So what are we gonna do?" asked Logan.  
  
"What she wants." Sighed Xavier.  
  
"Which means we have to get the mansion spotlessly clean…"  
  
"Like that's going to happen." Muttered Hank under his breath as rocked himself quietly.  
  
"…Then there is cooking the food the way she likes it and providing her with all 'lady-things' that I'd rather not think of right now, that she needs to get through the day…"  
  
Charles made twirly hand motions as he said 'lady-things'.  
  
"…Jean and Ororo might be able to handle that one. Then we…"  
  
"Hold on a minute! When you say we you mean us. Don't you Chuck?!" Logan frowned.  
  
"Yeah! Why are you including us in your plans Charles! What if I had to skip…ah, er suddenly had to visit… friends who…who live out of town, for a while!" Piped up Hank defensively.  
  
Charles gave Hank the same look that a rabbit gets when it realises that the bright lights belong to an 18-wheeler truck.  
  
"Don't leave me! I have Twinkies!" he blurted out.  
  
Hank narrowed his eyes.  
  
"That is pretty low, bribing a man with Twinkies just so you aren't left alone with you Grandmamma."  
  
Hank sniffed.  
  
"Just how many Twinkies are we talking about anyway?" He said nonchalantly studying his fingernails.  
  
"That I guess depends on whether I survive the next week." Replied Charles with a sly grin.  
  
"All I can eat?"   
  
Charles nodded.  
  
"But," The Professor said raising a finger, "Only on the proviso that you and these two go an find Cain."  
  
"What!" said Logan and Scott together sharply.  
  
"Well, that was what Grandmamma wants. So that's what Grandmamma gets."  
  
"I didn't agree with that!" Snapped Logan.  
  
"Oh and I was thinking of buying a Humvee…"  
  
"But it can't hurt to discus a deal of some sort…" Said Logan quickly.  
  
"…Or maybe a Lamborghini. I just can't decide…"  
  
"Wheeee!" went Scott as he clapped his hands together in excitement.  
  
Charles looked at them out of the corner of his eye and almost smiled. The idea of Grandmamma Xavier coming to stay for a week, or even more, unfortunately made smiling hard. So he continued in a more sober fashion.  
  
"…We also have to have everyone on their best behaviour…"  
  
The three other mutants in the room looked at each other. Then they started to laugh.   
  
"That might be hard Chuck, what wit' th' Cajun around here now." Giggled Logan as he wiped tears from his eyes.  
  
Charles sat for a moment.  
  
"You're right. And then there's Bobby and Tabitha too…" Charles sat in thought for a moment. "…Do you think that they could be, bought perhaps?"  
  
At that very moment two more heads popped around the door.  
  
Their eyes filled with curiosity and greed.  
  
"What happened with the sideburns Mr Logan?" Asked Bobby with a butter wouldn't melt expression on his face.  
  
"And who wants to buy who?" Asked an intrigued Tabby.  
  
"That depends if you want to be bought."  
  
Tabby and Bobby exchanged looks and then fell into deep contemplation.   
  
"So what's the exchange of goods for?" She asked.  
  
"Keepin' outta trouble." Rumbled Logan in a very clear way.  
  
Tabby looked at him, and giggled to herself.  
  
"Well I'd like to accept Prof. But we're going to have to consult with our leader on that one."  
  
"Leader?" Said Scott.  
  
Tabby leant back out the door.  
  
"Hey, Shifty the Prof wants to negotiate a deal with ya!" She yelled.  
  
Shifty approached and gave everyone a questioning look.  
  
"Oui?" he said.  
  
"Well, Remy. I need your help…"  
  
And negotiations began.  
  
As this was going on people wandered past Charles' bedchamber, caught snippets of information and ran with it… to tell someone else. And so the word spread throughout the mansion. The Professor's Granny was coming to stay. So was Juggernaut. And if there was the slightest suggestion that they were not absolute angels then Remy himself would hunt them down and kill them. Yes, a plentiful supply of playing card, tequila and chocolate meant that much to him.   
  
That and Tabby and Bobby where big fat tell tales and had a habit of just, popping up somewhere.  
  
But there was one last thing. Perhaps the most important of them all.   
  
No Danger Room Training Sessions. For a week.   
  
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Well thanks all the people who read the last chapter. Your ideas are noted and I get the feeling that I'll be using them soon. Anyway please review! And thanks if you do! 


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